Being a liberal under 25, most of my day revolves around plotting to end the national scourge known as Capitalism. I’m setting my sights on McDonald’s this time, and I have the perfect plan to take them down systematically. McDonald’s may have took in 21.83 billion dollars of revenue last year, but this plan is priceless.
Why McDonald’s? Last week, I ordered an Oreo McFlurry on UberEats, and received an M&M one instead. Obviously, this means war.
I’m going to buy a Ronald McDonald costume, and take a nationwide trip to McDonald’s across the US. I’ll walk into each one with great fanfare- excitement will spread like electricity through the “restaurant”. The fast-food peasants will eagerly wait to hear their king’s commands. Speaking boisterously, I’ll inform the crowd of how lucky they are, how graced they are because of my presence, and how happy they’ll soon be. I’ll tell every customer in the building that they’ve won free food for life, at any location, at any time.
Next, I come behind the McCounter. Each staff member gets a McRaise, and a whopping McBonus of $1000 each. I’ll lean in and grandly McWhisper that corporate sent me, and a representative would be in soon.
Then, just as fast as I entered, I leave… preferably into a red-and-yellow splattered Volkswagen Beetle. I continue on my merry way to the next.
As I spread and conquer each establishment, people will hear-tell of my existence. The businesses themselves will have no way to know when I’m coming- during my announcements to the staff, I cut the phone wires. This isn’t just an absurd plan. It’s a very well thought out absurd plan.
The reputation of McDonald’s will crash like a lead zeppelin.
Can you imagine the first few groups of people I’d promised free food to? They return to a new McDonald’s a week later, and confidently tell the cashier that Ronald McDonald himself said they could have free food.
You think a minimum wage job is gonna stop that employee from beating you up in the parking lot?
No employee who gets promised a raise and bonus would keep working there after those get denied. Regrettably, this plan may hurt the employees, but to make an omelet you have to break a few legs.
These combined catastrophes will be enough to make sure no average consumer will ever go to one again! The more dedicated daily eaters will keep going- but that’s not a problem with a long lifespan anyway. As the stores close exponentially, I unflinchingly continue my pilgrimage to the remaining few.
The cycle repeats and I am it’s catalyst. Lawlessness reigns in the remaining burger joints. Duels over the Frappe machine become a leading cause of death. Children are born into a dark world that will never be free of this hideous, chicken-nuggety war.
I am the alpha and omega of fast food.
I am it’s liberator, the God of affordable (yet tasty) meals.
I am the fire.
I am the storm.
I am the McReckoning.
This Post Sponsored By Burger King®. Have It Your Way!
How I’m Going To Dismantle Capitalism, One McDonald’s At A Time.
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