The World Is Suffering And It’s Because No One’s Drinking Cherry Soda

The cherry. Maybe the only fruit with a perfect description on Wikipedia.

If you can’t get down on some fleshy drupes then you can leave.

The only real problem with cherries is how difficult they are to eat. Tootsie Pops have chocolate at the center, whereas cherries just contain a form of spiked pain. Maraschino cherries (the ones you’d find in a cocktail) are great for both taste and edibility, but tend to be packed in jars filled with a flavored syrup.

You know what we say about flavored syrup on Misfit Mementos, don’t you? You either commit to a full soda, or don’t half-ass that job to begin with. Most Americans would say they drink soda in a given day, and most Americans like the taste of cherries but not the hassle of eating one. My solution is obvious, isn’t it? I need to open my own nationwide cherry soda brand.

Why? There’s no easy way to order a cherry flavored drink. Cherry juice itself isn’t sold anywhere, and is hardly worth drinking by itself. As far as cherry soda goes, options are limited. Cheerwine, if you’re lucky enough to live in The South™, or ordering a Shirley Temple- which presents two problems itself. They take grenadine to make and you have to look someone in the eye and order a drink named after a beloved child actress. Even then, a lemon-lime soda mixed with cherry syrup doesn’t really count, it’s just Sprite with some culture.

Don’t get me twisted, this isn’t a cherry cola. Roy Rogers? Grow up. This is a soda dedicated to one fruit, and one fruit alone.

I’d find overnight success. I could jumpstart my own search for fame by revolutionizing the soda industry. I’d pose on magazine covers, and Ryan Seacrest (or whatever test-tube clone of him is hosting E!) would call me The Cherry Kid.

Citizens across the United States would come together as one, putting aside petty grief, and bonding over this new drink. Old stress is evaporated after a single taste, and life gets a little bit brighter.

Once I found a strong fan base in America, I could expand to be a worldwide chain. I’d have enough money to dive into a pool of it (an action I would obviously have scheduled for an hour or so for each day). All over the planet, people would love this soda. It would become celebrated, and I’d be wined and speeched and honored throughout the land. I would be the hero of Earth.

With near-infinite riches from my cherry soda sales, I could invest in space travel. My company’s rockets would take kids on sightseeing tours around the Asteroid Belt, while Mom and Dad took a day trip to Mars. Lightyears are meaningless when you’re powered by cherries.

As we expand our grasp on the universe, scholars will look back upon my legacy with pride. A mere human was able to do something as daring as invent a cherry soda. I’ll still be alive hundreds of years into the future, of course- don’t you know how good the anti-aging effects of cherries are? Anyone drinking my soda will have near-immortality.

Humanity can finally ascend our mortal bonds. Life as we know it throughout the cosmos will be ruled under a cherry stained fist. My cherry stained fist. No longer am I a mere fleshy drupe of a person, my soul has changed. I have true power now. My cherry soda has become such a force in the universe that the bonds of reality rewrite themselves around me.

Carbon based life is OUT, and cherry based life is IN.

Now… I just need a name for the soda.

The World Is Suffering And It’s Because No One’s Drinking Cherry Soda.

You can follow The Cherry Kid on Twitter, @JeffShutUp.