Hamlet, You’re A Jerk, Here’s An Act-By-Act Breakdown

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To thine own self be true- except you Hamlet, you should consider being anyone else.

I: Your dad died, yes, but you have to stop moping eventually. Get over it like your mom did. She’s moved on and married your uncle, who may or may not be your father’s killer. Is that an excuse for you to sit around doing nothing but whining all day?

II: You’re pretending not to like Ophelia, your own fiancee, just to see how she reacts? And then you pretend to be mentally ill just to see what happens? That’s what an e-boy does on the internet to get more followers on Twitter! Frailty, thy name is Hamlet. Pardon me your grace, but is the bad boy prince of Denmark is too busy practicing for his improv show to help lead his country? By the way, I read your self-published one act play on Kindle, it’s pretty good!

III: You’re one of the few people in your whole thespian troupe who had both your parents come to your show, and you didn’t thank either of them. It takes an old man begging God to convince you that murdering your stepdad might be the wrong option. You follow your mother to her bedroom to tell her she embarrassed you in front of your friends, and then stab her wall-art when the perfectly normal man hiding behind it sneezes- too bad he happened to be Ophelia’s father.

IV: Shockingly, your girlfriend didn’t like hearing that you killed her dad. Also, telling her she’d look better if she smiled more? I doubt the stars are fire, and I doubt you ever cared about her. Ignoring the fact that she literally drowned herself because you were a toxic boyfriend, let’s mention how you sent the one gay couple you’re friends with to their death. Your teen angst has a body count.

V: Your ex’s brother (you know, the one in the TAPOUT shirt) said he could beat you in a fight, and you actually want to brawl now? Good thing you took took a week of fencing lessons after watching The Princess Bride. Somehow your little tussle ended with four more people dying, which puts your hormonal outburst at an 800% mortality rate.

That’s my grief with you buddy, the rest is silence.

Speaking of Twitter, follow Jeff Vernier for more strangely specific rants @JeffShutUp.