Microsoft Announces The Xbox TeleKinect

The only limit is your imagination.

Phil Spencer, CEO of Xbox, was proud to announce the latest accessory in gaming hardware this morning, the Xbox TeleKinect. While the Xbox Kinect was known for tracking your physical movements, the TeleKinect is a level-up from games of the past. Now the controller is your mind.

The TeleKinect uses advanced technology to sync to the theta waves your brain produces. Analysis of these waves allows a user to picture exactly actions what they want their in-game avatar to perform, and voila! The TeleKinect has a 99.99% success rate at accurately recreating what the user is picturing in their mind, down to the pixel.

Revolutionary ideas are never easy. In a short interview with Jeff Vernier of Misfit Mementos, Phil Spencer was beaming with pride over his team’s stellar work on this difficult project.

Phil Spencer: In developing any new product, of course, we have to recognize what the modern gamer wants. You’ve seen Back to the Future, it’s a joke to still use your hands to play… and that was back in 2015. We have to adapt, and I know that’s never easy… but once we get past the mixed first impressions and possible carcinogenic effects of the machine, I really think gamers will be happy about this one.

Jeff Vernier: Do you see this as the next step in gaming?

Phil Spencer: Yes. Absolutely. It’s never been easy for us to be the face of gaming, but we’ve managed. The most important thing I think people should know about the TeleKinect is the value you’re getting. An MRI, a full scan of the brain, is about $2600. The TeleKinect is projected to launch at a fraction of that price. To be specific, about 4/5ths, putting our on-market price at $2099.

Jeff Vernier: Oh, that’s a bit steep.

Phil Spencer: Is it?

Jeff Vernier: I mean-

Phil Spencer: No, is it? The TeleKinect has to scan entire brains 24/7, without ever stopping. For the device to work as well as we know it can, we need the finest tools, the finest kids to make them… it adds up. I know the casual gamer might see that as a high price, but that’s really only two missed mortgage payments, or half a month’s rent if you’re in the Bay Area.

Spencer declined to comment further.

The TeleKinect draws its’ name from “telekinetic”, a Greek word meaning “far off movement”, typically associated with psychic powers.

The device is expected to launch Spring 2020, and is compatible with the Xbox One, Xbox One S, Xbox One X, and the last surviving Microsoft Zune.

Microsoft Unveils The Xbox TeleKinect.

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