My Five Year Plan (Pope Goes The Weasel)

Listen to an audio transcript of this post here!

It’s important to write down goals you want to achieve. Here’s my tentative five year plan:

  • Get wildly rich fast with minimal work (probably through selling cherry soda)
  • Get bored of swimming in money after a week and begin investing
  • See how many hookers I can buy with a million dollars
  • Wonder what to do with a million dollars’ worth of prostitutes
  • Storm the Vatican City with this sexy army and declare myself Pope

Well, that was a nice short article for today. It’s important to be underwhelmed often to keep expectations low.

Pope Goes The Weasel.

Jeff Vernier writes weird meta jokes when he’s not busy promo-ing himself on every outlet available… also, follow his Twitter @JeffShutUp.

Oh, or we could talk more about the Pope thing.

Pope Goes The Weasel (Extended Edition)

The Vatican City is a tiny little city-state in Italy known for being the home of Catholicism’s Promised Landlord, the Pope. The city itself is only about a square fifth of a mile in size, and has a very minimal local population.

With the element of surprise and a few plane-loads of sex workers, I could easily break in and take over. Compared to the average day on the job, taking a break to reshape a world religion is just a drop in the bucket to the hookers. Maybe I’d be a “despot” and this is a little bit of a “coup”, but I don’t speak Latin so those words mean nothing to me.

In terms of defense, what do Catholics really have? Weaponized shaming? My army is built on shameless ideals, nice try! The Vatican itself has a Swiss Guard unit station to protect the city, which worried me until I saw their uniforms.

They’re obviously a non-threat. I’d win and become Pope.

What does one do as Pope? According to tradition, I should change my name to a previous Pope’s… however, according to the current Pope, me, that’s a dumb rule. Speaking of unimportant rules, that whole “touch the Pope’s hand” thing? Not anymore peasants. Stand single file in line and you just might have the honor of buying the Pope something from Taco Bell.

I don’t know how many churches would continue to preach my word after the whole violent takeover ordeal. With any luck, this will be a huge schism for the church and I’ll have my portrait in history books. Eventually, I can phase out any old school bishops and replace them with my bottom bitches, my most trusted advisers.

My new version of Catholicism The Pope’s official version of Catholicism, “Catholicism 2: Pray Harder”, will be viewed across the world as a fun breath of life into the otherwise decrepit organization. Pamphlets will be given out at every subway station from Battery Park to Washington Heights. I’ll host a televangelist show to solicit more indulgences. Pete Davidson will play me on SNL… poorly.

Anyway, that’s my five year plan! I encourage you to base yours off of this structure, but tweak it a bit to suit your own needs. We can’t all become Pope, you know! I’d have you executed if you even tried, obviously.

Have a good weekend everyone, I’ll be in the parking lot doing donuts in the Popemobile.

Pope Goes The Weasel.

Martin Luther left the church because they never stopped begging to be paid. Jeff Vernier doesn’t have a problem with that- support him on Patreon!