A Modern Proposal…

To make sure the kids of poor Americans don’t become useless assholes.

by Reverend Jeff Vernier

I can’t walk to the bodega on my block without seeing three different single mothers, all of them with at least four kids from five different dads. They loiter in their Cookie Monster pajamas and DC baseball caps and rather than get jobs, all the mothers panhandle in the direction of any passerby, accompanied by their kids, most of whom put on their very saddest rehearsed frown. No matter how poor these people are, they’re always able to have kids every year! All these kids grow up to do is steal or join the Army.

We can all agree that this is ridiculous. We don’t have to deal with this bullshit! We need to find a way to make sure these kids don’t get their entire lives ruined by their parents poor decision making. Having a well thought out plan is the first step in keeping this country great.

I don’t want to just help the kids from the shitty panhandling moms, obviously. This is a plan for poor moms from Houston to Harlem. It’s for people on the East Coast to West Coast, and all the children of the corn in the middle. No, no, it’s bigger! This is for every SNAP recipient from Antarctica to The North Pole, I beg you, listen to this plan.

Being a child of a shitty mother myself, I’ve had plenty of time to think about this. Before I start, consider that for the first year of a baby’s life, all they really need is breast milk and diapers. After that, they get really, really expensive. If we were to engage with these kids on their 1st birthday, we can make sure that the parents know that they have an out if they need one. This would definitely cut down on abortions too- why kill the little brat when this way, you only have to feed it for a year?

I googled “how many poor kids are there”, and got an estimate of 1 out of 5 children. About four million kids are born every year, and a fifth of that is 800,000 viable candidates. Assuming at least half those mothers want to keep the kids, we’re knocked down to 400,000. Anti-Vaxxers will probably take out another half, so I think 200,000 is a fair estimate of how many kids we’ll take in every year. The kids can’t be taught to steal until they’re about six* or so, giving us plenty of time to get to them.

*My father is from Detroit, so I just took his word for this stat.

Parents, let’s be real for a second; what’s a kid under twelve really worth in cash value? It’s not like you can pawn them to avoid a payday loan, and now that they’ve grown up, you’ve gotta provide them with expensive so-called “necessities”, like school lunches and socks.

So, let’s get to my plan. I don’t want to make a huge fuss about it, but I will say that it is literally the best idea ever conceived.

A friend of mine from the Bronx was telling me about how as long as a child has been fed well enough, they make an incredible meal, whether you roast, bake, fry, boil, or any matter of cooking in between. Make a burger or put on a stew; no matter how you prepare them, children are delicious.

Just gonna remind everyone that we concluded that we only have 200,000 kids at our disposal, so maybe we should put some aside for breeding purposes, the typical procedure for any factory farming operation… and believe me, we’re gonna need factories when this catches on. If you’re looking for recipes, I recommend trying a salted thigh with a little lime juice, it’s very underrated.

We will have a limited supply, so it seems right to let landlords have the first pick. Every landlord I’ve ever known has slowly eaten away at their tenants, it just makes sense to let them have the children as well. If you’re a renter, this would work even better for you! Try talking with your landlord, see if you can promise him a child in exchange for roof access.

Most babies are born in August, making most Leos, zodiacally speaking. We’ve already hit an unintended side effect, making sure we keep the Leo population down, because God knows we have enough of those.

For all the work that goes into making a child, I think a fair price for the carcass would be about $20. Twenty bucks should cover all the first year costs of the kid, with a little extra thrown in for the parents.

Those in the DIY community will love skinning the carcass to make chic, on-the-go accessories like gloves or sweatbands!

Making sure that extra cash isn’t being wasted on raising children, small business will boom and give back, helping out those poor mothers after all!

With this plan, staying together for the kids will really work! Parents can share the entire, unabridged experience from conception to leftovers.

Vegans can finally stop complaining about how many animals we eat.

I truly think there are no possible downsides to this plan. I’ll be calling my congresspeople, and advise you to do the same. Just send them the link to this! With your help, we’ll all be eating children in the near future.

A Modern Proposal.

PS: This is based on A Modest Proposal by Jonathan Swift. I only personally support like… half the claims I made in this.

Every Sunday, I share a recipe on how best to prepare the corpse of a child you birthed. Check it out by following my Twitter, @JeffShutUp.