How Many Communions Would It Take To Consume One Full Jesus?

When Christ poured his followers a cup of wine, he declared it to be his blood. When he broke them bread, he declared it to be his body. Centuries later, Christians practice communion by drinking wine and eating wafers. How much would you have to go through before you’ve consumed the equivalent of one Jesus?

Christ, by some estimates, was five feet and five inches tall (based on the average skeletal remains found from the same time). With this height, we can estimate a healthy, fit carpenter would weigh around 140 pounds. No one knows for sure, obviously, but we’ll accept this as truth- just have faith.

This means the Son of God would have about 1.3 gallons worth of blood based on his weight- about 11.5 pounds of Merlot in his veins. This leaves 129.5 pounds of weight we can attribute to being bread. Now we just have to divide both those numbers by the average volume of a communion cup for blood, and average weight of a communion wafer.

A communion cup, according to the 1000 pack I found on Amazon, holds 1.7 ounces of wine. 1.3 gallons of blood converts to 166.4 ounces. Divide that by 1.7, and we get 97.88 communion cups required to drink the full equivalent.

Wafers are far lighter, weighing about .25g (one fourth of a gram). For all 129.5 pounds of The Holy Savior, it would take 234,960.85 wafers. That’s, uh… a lot. More than you could eat in a month of Sundays. Or a year of Mass. In fact, it would take about 643 years, if you ate one a day.

This is assuming, of course, that we’d be consuming 100% Christ, with no added preservatives or filler from other deities.

If you’re looking to eat a full Jesus in your lifetime, I would suggest replacing wafers for more substantial bread- if you ate full baguettes (weighing 8.75 ounces), it would only take 236.8 of them to hit the full 129.5 pounds of Christ… how unfortunate he wasn’t French, otherwise this would be an easier issue to solve.

How Many Communions Would It Take To Consume One Full Jesus?

Misfit Mementos is proud to toe the line between sacrilege and humor- check out Jeff Vernier’s plan to become The Pope using an army of hookers!

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1

Andrew Dalrymple on October 26, 2019 at 1:17 pm
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hahahaha

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2

William McCallum on July 13, 2021 at 9:02 pm
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One notable challenge is that the industrially-produced modern communion wafer — the Christ bite — has been extremely dehydrated in order to lengthen its shelf life. Because, well, shelf life for Christ, right? Water is still a major wafer component, but it is much drier than the flesh of a full body of Christ, of which water is 59 kg of water weight for a typical 100 kg Christ. Real bread Christ bites which some churches offer do have a 5:3 water:solids ratio, which is about a Christ body’s proportion. There aren’t really any sacraments where you can ingest holy water, and, regardless, nowhere is holy water or holy oil or anything else declared to be any part of the body and blood of Christ, so you can’t guzzle it to achieve your goal. Finally, before you think your best bet then is to drink extra communion wine, that only counts towards the blood of Christ, which should be something like 4.7 to 5.5 kilograms of a typical Christ. Even trying to hit the blood goal with a typical church-going routine would require you to chug the entire chalice as often as you could. Yeah, you might be able to hit the blood goal sooner than the body goal doing that, but they’d probably throw you out of that particular church right away, because they’re probably savvy to that workaround.

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3

Philip Jenkins on July 7, 2022 at 9:51 pm
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given that, over the centuries, billions of people have eaten Christ Bites, Jesus must have weighed millions of tons.
How big then was his cross and how many people did it take to put him up on it?

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4

Anonymous on March 19, 2023 at 1:18 am
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You didn’t calculate how much of the body weight should be considered edible flesh. Butchers will discard the brain, most organs, skeleton, and hard connective tissues. That removes a significant amount of weight from the “bread” needed to consume a savior.

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5

Noelle on March 28, 2023 at 6:15 pm
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Found this during a lull at work. Thank you so much.

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