Woodcliff Lake Elementary School encountered embarrassment this week as Steven Sella, seven year old tramp, publicly announced he has tested positive for Cooties. The unfortunate statement was made on the top of the tallest slide on the playground to a crowd of his peers. The virus typically spreads through hand-to-hand contact, and Steven has been no stranger to whoring out his love of locking fingers with any classmate willing and able.
Members of the crowd included Joanie Ann, a previous lab partner of the cootie-infected cad. “He’s gross!” said Ann, with a finger in her nose, “…boys are just icky.” She’ll now be undergoing testing to see if she’s contracted the virus, having admitted to holding hands with Sella during a game of Red Rover last week.
The school’s healthcare professional, Ms. Rose had lines out her office all morning for concerned students looking to vaccinate against the disease. “I’ve never circle circle dot dotted so many kids in a day. If this is what it takes to prevent another outbreak then so be it.” Rose, who has no official medical training, was hired due to her ability to administer insulin shots and peak proficiency in hand-sanitizer dispensing.
Teachers and principals have declined to comment. As for Steven’s fate, this will undeniably mar his permanent record- a hideous blot of his past, erasing any chance of becoming class president later in his schooling career. He’s been sentenced to two weeks detention, with weekends to be spent at home.
Elementary School Class Slut Tests Positive For Cooties.
To help fund testing for Steven’s class, a portion of all earnings from the Misfit Mementos Patreon page will be donated to buying Cooties test kits.
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