Whoopsie Daisie, I’m Addicted To Smack, What Do I Do Next?

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The first hit is always free, right? I put aside my phobia of needles to take a liiiiitle bit of heroin and now I’m hooked. If you’ve found yourself in the same place as me, here are some quick tips that’ll help you with your newfound habit.

CLEAN NEEDLES ARE OVERRATED

Reduce, reuse, recycle. If you care about the environment at all, you’ll reuse your needles rather than being so prissy about it. Insisting on a new one every time will just annoy fellow users- if reefer addicts are fine with a puff puff pass, what’s wrong with doing the same straight into your bloodstream?

NEVER PAY MORE THAN $20 FOR A HIT

I know you really want it, but be sensible. Just because Chop Top says its’ good shit doesn’t mean it’s worth breaking the bank over. Everyone likes to barter, see if you can’t trade your TV, car, or firstborn for this week’s supply. If your dealer doesn’t budge, it might be time to pull out the big guns- literally, pull out a gun and rob the guy. What’s he gonna say, no?

YOU HAVE A MOUTH, USE IT

After skipping town to avoid Chop Top and his boys, it’s likely you don’t have much to your name. Funny how living frugally can cost you more sometimes, isn’t it? Finding a new supplier in a new city can be challenging, but don’t settle for the first you meet out of complacency. Shop around until you find a nice guy you think you could get along with, you can’t put a price on a good friends. You can put a price on good dope though. If you forgot to empty out the cash stashed in your walls before leaving, don’t be afraid to use what the Lord gave you and provide a little lip service, so to speak. If you think you’re too good to suck a dick for your H, you obviously don’t want it that bad.

CUT YOUR STASH WITH FENTANYL FOR A UNIQUE HIGH

Plenty of people will tell you about the negative effects of fentanyl. Most of that is pure poppycock though, if the high is good then who cares? I’ve been cutting my stash with it for weeks now and I feel just fine. Why would hundreds of millions of prescriptions for opioids be given every year if they were dangerous? I mean, really, why?

In 2019 alone there were 191 million opioid prescriptions given out to Americans. Maybe it’s true that up to one in four of people who use them as prescribed long term develop an addiction, and maybe it’s true that over 10 million Americans also self-reported misuse of them, but what are doctors supposed to do, not give them out? With such a simple path to addiction and easy tolerance buildup, patients have no choice but to continue using- stopping cold turkey could and has killed before. It’s obvious that the best option is to train civilians in how to administer Narcan, a lifesaving drug, to people they suspect are overdosing… why wouldn’t saving lives fall on our hands instead of the doctors who continue to prescribe and lawmakers who refuse to pass effective legislation?

Remember kids, always chase the dragon responsibly.

Whoopsie Daisie, I’m Addicted To Smack, What Do I Do Next?

Please don’t do heroin. I don’t think I have to write that down, but please- don’t do heroin. You should follow @JeffShutUp on Twitter, however. Just as addicting, only slightly as life-ruining.