music
by Eden Vernier

The Dance/Fuck Interchange

You were in the third grade when you learned what a metaphor was. You were [insert your age here] when you learned that songs about dancing aren’t actually about dancing, they’re metaphors for sex. Every time the singer says dance, you can just as easily replace it with the most versatile word in the English language, fuck, and get the same results. Here are some notable examples:

  • “Let’s Fuck” – David Bowie
  • “Just Fuck” – Lady Gaga
  • “Fuck the Night Away” – The Beach Boys
  • “The Safety Fuck” – Men Without Hats (but not without condoms)
  • “I Wanna Fuck with Somebody (Who Loves Me)” – Whitney Houston
  • “Fuck, Fuck” – Fall Out Boy
  • “I Can’t Fuck” – Genesis
  • “Fuck On Christmas Day” – Chris Green Project
  • “I Will Fuck with You” – Johnny Cash
  • “Your Mama Don’t Fuck” – Loggins and Messina
  • “Kids Just Wanna Fuck” – Emily’s Army

It works just as well for different verb tenses too. Dancing and danced turn into fucking and fucked and the system carries on. What, you think Billy Idol didn’t write “Dancing With Myself” about masturbation? Grow up.

  • “Fucking Queen” – ABBA (wait, she’s only 17? Yikes!)
  • “I Could’ve Fucked All Night” – My Fair Lady
  • “Fucking In The Dark” – Bruce Springsteen
  • “Fucking’s Not a Crime” – Panic! At The Disco
  • “I Think We Fucked (But I Can’t Be Sure)” – Rand
  • “Fucking On The Ceiling” – Lionel Richie
  • “Fucking With Our Hands Tied” – Taylor Swift (kinky!)
  • “Fucking in the Street” – David Bowie, Mick Jagger
  • “Fucked Right Out Of My Arms” – Delta Rae
  • “Fucking Through Life” – Wicked
  • “You Turned My Mourning Into Fucking” – Ron Kenoly

There are a few exceptions to the rule. Songs about a specific dance don’t count. The Cha Cha Slide, Cupid Shuffle, Wobble, and whatever other instructional dances played at everyone’s prom and weddings are sincerely about rhythmic movement, even if they’re somehow more robotic than describing a dance as rhythmic movement. Tom Petty, vintage heartbreaker, wasn’t doing anything but smoking that joint when he wrote “Mary Jane’s Last Dance”. The only song currently uncategorizable is “Mambo No. 5”, a song about a dance and sex.

The Dance/Fuck Interchange.

If you don’t think @JeffShutUp is worth following on Twitter, you can go dance yourself.

Cover photo by Nihal Demirci.