World’s Last Pineapple Gummy Bear Dies In Captivity

Like when overfishing drove grape Swedish Fish to extinction, or when the hyper-aggressive slash-and-burn harvesting technique of Lime Skittles led to the demise of those flavors, the last remaining pineapple gummy bear has finally, at long last, been declared dead. The species’ reluctance to mate and general disinterest from zoological charities sealed the fate for this eternal underdog and worst flavor in the pack. Dwindling numbers have culminated in total obliteration of the species, and as we stand here on a day that will always be remembered, may I be the first to say- thank God that’s over. I couldn’t be happier the last Hawaiian-wannabe sucrose-filled Ursa Major-Loser is gone.

This could be a key point in the success or failure of the candy market as a whole. If Haribo doesn’t step up and nominate a valid successor, what’s going to stop them from tanking and dragging down the value of Wonka, Hershey, and Nestle’s child slaves? The four remaining Haribo flavors are raspberry, strawberry, lemon, and orange (the fruit, not the color; at the time of writing colors are currently untastable in this reality).

Picking a flavor that fits with this mix is vital. When Green Apple replaced Lime in the Skittles bags, public backlash was intense enough to drive the CEO to publish a public apology video on YouTube. During the 10:01 runtime, they claimed that Skittles never wanted to upset anyone and felt keeping green was very important at the cost of an unpopular flavor- they didn’t want to waste the rainbow.

Haribo has a big decision ahead of itself. That’s far more worth paying attention to than mourning some extinct virgin with gelatin for brains. I’m just saying, gummy worms gotta eat too.

World’s Last Pineapple Gummy Bear Dies In Captivity.

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